So it's Blind, but Always Finds its Way...

She must have turned 19 that winter
That's when she bought home the pills
She thought she would need them, wrote a letter to her family
She wrote it's no one's fault
Everyone but a few were good to her
But something happened, no one could know
After which she felt she didn't belong
The ground was never even hers to be walked upon

Her grandmother always sat by herself who she loved taking care of
Take care of she always did, but in every wink she would stare at a flower
She first envied it for its beauty, then got embarrassed
For its honesty of withering....
She always had a smiling face, but now she's just a fucking wreck

Hers wasn't the first face that I saw
But now I just realize that I was blind
It's time that I let her know
Things like these would seem too impossible
I know that I can be slow
But I need her now 'coz it's the first day of our lives

These words are for you, will always be
Always ask you to wait and see
I'll always wait for my paycheck than win a lottery for you and me
You know this time, it's all different
'Coz this time I love you as much as you love me

Hallucinations of a Knocked Up Mind

"mmmm....feels nice, this really feels nice mister Nickster"
buy some more son, may be some for your beautiful sister?
"oh no sir, she's just checked into rehab
the reason I take this is coz I want to join her so I can keep a tab"
okay son, here's your share
but don't gulp down too much or it will make your insides tear


*pops in three pills, nothing happens
then injects himself while his blood crackens*

"uggh it's happening, I can feel it happening"
what he sees is delirium, "oh it's fun so screw 'em"

*looks at himself in the mirror*

"Fuck, damn eyes are bleeding again
eyes are growing bushes, god it feels good to be me again
huh? what am I doing here leading this company to a war?
what the fuck's going on, who are all these people and why do they keep calling me Commander Fraur?"
Commander, the water people are letting loose those sea serpents, what do we do?
"how the fuck would I know, shoot them or something and say toodle doo"
Commander, are you feeling okay, you look a bit different
"give me 20 soldier, I want them now,
I'm your bloody Commander and that's enough for now"

"ughh, my head hurts what was that all about?
holy shit where am I now, no it can't be
sister, dear sister, how dare these crazy fucks throw mud on you this way
enunciation of truth beckons, I did all this for you sister, what do I do now?
ugghh...my head, holy crap what now?"

*floors tear apart and there are no floors no more
cut fingers bleeding everywhere where once there was a floor*

"cut fingers eh, I guess it's okay"
Harry that hurts, you're stepping on my fingers
"sis is that you, it can't be you
I just saw you cremated, you were pale and all blue
Sis can you hear me, it's me Harry"
oh Harry, do it harder, you know I like it harder
"sis, I thought we wouldn't talk about that again
that was our little secret, just for you and me"

"what's wrong with my head now, it feels kinda light
I think I'll go see my sister by the end of night"
he walks on the road now reaches the asylum
"hahaha, everyone thinks that she's a druggie
but it was me who did this to her, just for me and my sick quickies
damn bull fucking shit, they won't let her meet me
guess it's back to my old friend Mr. Nickster
whoa but what do I tell him now, oh yes, now she's hit the canister...."

Wasted Words

A friend of mine consists of pain
Wakes up from his sleep, hitches a ride to work and comes back again
He once cut my nightmare into two and put it on paper
Twas the most beautiful thing I'd seen and I put it up on my ceiling
I told him twas beautiful, his sense of composition and color rather exquisite
All he said was "Thank you, but you flatter for someone who's not me.
Your eyes aren't good enough, blind at times perhaps
You should know that no beauty comes from me
Waste of time, breath and space I am"

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I ignored him and walked away
With random thoughts ramming my head
Then I thought of a woman I thought I knew
Her face was eternal, her love was true
She loved her man who had many virtues
He would bring upon her a countless smiles
But then one day she saw that he had lied
Made up her mind now that the rest of her life would be a lie

She said she was happy for whatever had happened
But then had lost hope for what she would find next
She wept and wept, what else could you expect?
In her big old house one could always hear her say
"Hahahaha, this is life, oh but not my life"
The hours led her to the next
Getting her closer to her death
She said she was fine with it
Because I know that she wouldn't quit

She hardly ever got upset
Living her days, either right or sometimes left
She turned indifferent, never to clean another mess
Never put her make up on to look her best
She said "I am free, I'd rather be wasted alone"

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This guy once had a bit too many drinks and drove
A cop then pulled him over by the road
"Sir, please Sir, you have the wrong man
I'm just a kid who studies buildings and a son of a diplomat
You just have to understand"
The officer said "You're lucky no one's hurt, so thank the Lord
Your carelessness could be really awful
But don't get so happy coz I won't let you go
Your father's name may be known
But what you have done, you're responsible for it all alone
You are not your father's son but simply a stepping stone
On a road that leads to loss, debt and shame"

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I used to live with this couple
Who simply fit in like a complex puzzle
They were the kind who wanted everything in doubles
I rather envy their love coz they got what they were promised
by all the fairy tales that they were drugged with
Is there any such luck in my charts
Or am I just foolish enough to wait for my number?
Love seems to be a lottery ticket
that you scratch to see what's underneath it
But then you find it reads
"Oops, we're sorry, you have just one cherry
Why don't you buy another and get lucky"

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I hide behind my books coz I love to read
Try scribbling some poems
Hahaha, like it could ever do any good for some fuck up like me
It is never anything real, but it would seem like a sketch of me
My body is broken, but I still move on
Now who am I you'd love to ask
I am that friend, that woman, that guy, that officer
And of course that couple who always almost had that closure

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The Routine of Unwanted Heart

She lives her life every twisted month
She plunges in without the light that follows
But we know she'd follow anything
She dreams of a fever 'coz she believes it will cure her cold heart
She says she'll drive off a cliff if it never ends

She picked me up from the crowd
And spoke to me in her beautiful voice
She said she liked my skin and shoes
I said "Thank you, can I follow you?"
We climbed the stairs to her room
She drank some wine then asked my name
I looked up and asked her the time

We drank and stayed warm
Killed selected memories looking forward the new dawn
It's 3 o clock, the pub was closed
We both sat up, my hands on her
Her jeans pressed hard against mine
My tongue in her mouth only playing so that words don't come out

I don't look to care to see
How many have there been before me
But she wants a lover who she doesn't want to love
She wants someone who's too sad to be loved
Bang! She wakes up after their lovely sleep
"Who the fuck are you to sleep in my bed?"

My mind was dark for I was confused
Who does she have me with confused?
She handed me some money saying thanks for your time
I watched her money flying sensing my crime
She said that I'm a bad actor with the worse habits
She whispered she should have gone home, never done this

I walk back to the alley she picked me from
Then I see another that plunges in
She said "You've got pretty hair, pretty skin, pretty shoes"
I said "Thank you, can I follow you?"

Mind Theory of Psychosis

(you have reached Tim Collins....please leave your message after the beep....*beep*)

Psychosis: Hello there, it's me. Since you're my lawyer, you simply have to know this. I've killed some people, uhh, actually a lot of people. There were these uptown girls from this apartment below mine, then some, uhh, 5 or 10 homeless people...uhh...I forget how much, then there was this pretty blonde i met on a blind date.....uhh, dumped her body behind some donut shop near Central Park...then I killed my old girlfriend....I used a nailgun for the first time...uhh...I felt dominating for the first time....later that night I killed this old faggot who was walking in the park with his grand-children....did those kids look scared to see what I did. I cornered those kids near some alley and took my time scraping their necks one by one....uhhh....then I had to kill this girl with a chainsaw, bitch almost got away...her body is dissolving in my bath tub right now...uhh...I really don't want to leave out on anyone here....I think I killed 20...uhh..wait..uhh...40 people, I really don't remember..So..you must be thinking I'm a pretty sick guy eh....uhh...I'll be at Freddy's bar this evening...uhh....keep your eyes open...

(pretty brunette hitting on Psychosis)
Brunette: Hey there...can I buy you a drink?
Psychosos: I want you to clean your dirty cunt...you're a ugly fucking whore...I'm gonna carve your face with my knife and play around with your guts....(brunette walks away)

(whore curling up in Psychosis' bed reaches out for watch)
Psychosis: Get your hands off my watch! (bites off her finger and throws them in the fish bowl)

Psychosis: I cannot eat, I'm on a diet.
Mother: Are you crazy, look at you...you're so handsome, how thin do you wanna get?
Psychosis: I can always look better if I'm thinner Momma..
Mother: Shall I cancel the reservation for dinner tonight, I don't want you to lose your will power?
Psychosis: Oh that's okay momma, I suck at controlling that anyways....

Psychosis: Uhh...there is only an idea to Psychosis...only an abstract...there is no me...only my entity..uhh...illusions perhaps...uhh...I'm not very good at hiding my cold gaze...and the feeling of my flesh gripping yours...uhh...may be then perhaps...uhh...our lifestyles can be better comparable...but I am never there...

Waiter: Would you like to see some of our specials, Sir.....Sir....Sir!
Psychosis: Uhh...no...uhh...not if you still plan on keeping your spleen....

Psychosis: I've got all the features possible a human being ought to have, a face, hair, blood, flesh, skin...uhh...but why do I lack in emotions? Identified, clear emotion...but greed and disgust seem to be my last companions...uhh..something is going horribly wrong inside of me...uhh...I am allowing my mask of sanity to fade away...

Psychosis: Ed Gein was a very funny man...whenever he looked at a woman, he only thought of two things....one part of him wanted to take her out, treat her nice, take care of her...*wind blows*
Jackie: Never knew he could think so nice!
Psychosis: The other part of him would think what it would be like to see her head on a stick...hahahahahaha

Psychosis: We should stop seeing each other Jackie...
Jackie: But that can't be done...your friends are my friends and my friends are yours...how will that work....you have something...
Psychosis: uhh...I have been thinking about that...uhh...you can have them all...

*ATM machine orders Psychosis to feed him a stray cat to which Psychosis kindly obliges*
Psychosis: Here kitty kitty kitty.....

Test Tube Charlie

(Momma!)

The tears of forgotten cries
I sew my white hair
Toss my wet drops in the air
Only if I had my momma

Her reflection never protected me
Her breast never dropped milk for me
Only a tube stuffed in down my throat
Adding no color to my eyes

(Momma!)

Never felt her nipple in my mouth
Her arms were never around me
She left me without a name
I was born of haste 'coz there was no sperm

My bearer never bore me
And I swear to this darkness
I curse her with my disease
Burn and then plunge her into the ocean

(Momma!)

A snake dwells in her belly
I have a birthmark near my eyes
I scrape it out with my kissing knife
As I walk away, kissing her hands

(Momma!)

A Thousand Cries

I crawl on the lonely streets
Following every cry in the night
Feeling the cold wind with the frozen sun still
I see the world losing its sight
I carry your thoughts deep within me
Coming back to you after a thousand cries
Back to where it all begun
Back to you and me

We'll travel a thousand oceans
A thousand years of darkness kills time
A thousand faces keep passing by
We have to go very far
A thousand times further against the chilly tides
You feel weak today
I fail to feel your heartbeat
We'll let mine guide us through the night

We laugh and then we cry
It's always too late for goodbyes
The streets we walk on are nothing but graves
We were born of our mothers, but will never be known

Auschwitz

The chief of the gas chamber kommando almost tore the hinges off the door to my room as he arrived out of breath, his eyes wide with fear or suprise. "Doctor," he said, "come quickly. We just found a girl alive at the bottom of a pile of corpses." I grabbed my intrument case, which was always ready, and dashed to the gas chamber. Against the wall, near the entrance to the immense room, half covered with other bodies, I saw a girl in the throes of a death rattle, her body seized with convulsions. The gas kommando men around me were in a state of panic. Nothing like this had ever happened in the course of their horrible career.



We moved the still-living body from the corpses pressing against it. I gathered the tiny adolescent body into my arms and carried it back to the room adjoining the gas chamber ... I laid the body on a bench. A frail young girl, almost a child, she could have been no more than fifteen. I took out my syringe and, taking her arm - she had not yet recovered consciousness and was breathing with difficulty - I administered three intravenous injections. My companions covered her body which was as cold as ice with a heavy overcoat. One ran to the kitchen to fetch some tea and warm broth. Everybody wanted to help as if she were his own child.

The reaction was swift. The child was seized by a fit of coughing which brought up a thick globule of phlegm from her lungs. She opened her eyes and looked fixedly at the ceiling. I kept a close watch for every sign of life. Her breathing became deeper and more and more regular. Her lungs, tortured by the gas, inhaled the fresh air avidly. Her pulse became perceptible, the result of the injections. I waited impatiently. I saw that within a few minutes she was going to regain consciousness: her circulation began to bring color back into her cheeks, and her delicate face became human again ...

I made a sign for my companions to withdraw. I was going to attempt something I knew without saying was doomed to failure ... From our numerous contacts, I had been able to ascertain that Mussfeld had a high esteem for the medical expert's professional qualities ... And this was the man I had to deal with, the man I had to talk into allowing a single life to be spared.

I calmly related the terrible case we found ourselves confronted with. I described for his benifit what pains the child must have suffered in the undressing room, and the horrible scenes that preceded death in the gas chamber. When the room had been plunged into darkness, she had breathed in a few lungfuls of cyclon gas. Only a few, though, for her fragile body had given way under the pushing and shoving of the mass as they fought against death. By chance she had fallen with her face against the wet concrete floor. That bit of humidity had kept her from being asphyxiated, for cyclon gas does not react under humid conditions.

These were my arguments, and I asked him to do something for the child. He listened to me attentively then asked me exactly what I proposed doing. I saw by his expression that I had put him face to face with a practically impossible problem.

"There's no way of getting round it," he said, "the child will have to die."

Half an hour later the young girl was led, or rather carried, into the furnace room hallway, and there Mussfeld sent another in his place to do the job. A bullet in the back of the neck ..."

Breakin' Apart

I lay half curled in my own fantasy world
Half asleep, half naked on my blood stained sheets
I lose my mind forever in strife
I even fail to breathe to save my own life
But still my heart ticks like the clock
Reminding me of my episodic shocks

For lack of understanding, I may be guilty
Dying slowly, losing all my faith in my fragile reality
I sense her arms choking my neck
But I can't find none, 'coz for her I have no reflex
Then I realize that it was never her fault
For this is my very own burial vault

You may be too young for this
But I'm just fucking naive to be left alone
I swallow in oxygen just so that I can vomit excuses and lies so that you'd stay
I remember your reassurance lines "You will be okay"
You said you'd protect me from my darkness
I bleed my tears, those are the words I use

Death inquires about my tragedy
It bids hunger for every drop of tear I lose
But for Death his own, for I don't care
It's you I want, it's your ethereal voice