Insanity is my Shame

It feels insane time and time
It's coz I'm asked to compromise
I may be afraid, trapped in all the ways
The bitch feeling always stays
Felt sad to dream that love always outweighed ignorance
May be it was your look or the way you smile it pushed the scale to tip

You call me insane, may be that's what this is
But I am not insane

So it may be hard but come back to me
It may even seem anything but easy

Even my shame pulsating through my heart for the things I did for you
Fuck it's always hard, but guess what, this ain't nothing new
I could walk away with suicidal memories bound on you
Self-centered in my skin, but trust me I am not insane

I have said it all
Learned my lesson
Everybody falls
And still we fall

Nothing left for me to see
Except for you and me
I have no faith in my sight
I know I have to find you now
I dunno your name, so don't know how
I'll fight all its power that comes our way
Let it be night or even day

I see the vision in your eyes
I see the truth wrapped inside your lies
You may be hard to hold
But I can never let go
I pray for the sun to never rise
Hoping it'll give another night in disguise

Someday I'll find it if I could
May hurt real bad but would feel so good
Anything you ask me, I would
May be it's pain what I want to feel
So here I am baby, please don't leave
Don't be afraid of hurting me
I'm here to stay, however long it has to be

Courtesy of "The Bravery"

Sometimes I feel like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground, I'll live down there without a sound
And never here these hissing voices all the same
I'll disappear cause living makes me feel ashamed

I must believe, there's more above us and below
I must believe, stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is disappear

If this is it, all we have and ever will
If this is it, time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away, I'll turn my back and disappear

The city moves, lunges up right from the ground
The seething Earth, it opens up and spits us out
This vicious child, nature never wanted us
This vicious child, a cancer burning black into its heart

With Your Deep Brown Eyes

All day I crave for carvings under my skin
The sweat of our passion dripping inside me
Constantly using our bodies for the simple strain of jeering pleasure
My love for you is simply equaled by no one other
My quest for togetherness, coolness and calmness
Waiting to turn this image into our reality
I cannot let you live in these images for long
Our substainence craves for the variability of pleasure
Not of our past and your phantoms of fever

Oh my little baby, with your deep brown eyes
Looking at them even makes my stained soul sympathize
All those days with you make my nights hypnotize
You make your life sound like it's some fictional trash
You walk around the streets with me in a beauty that is forgotten
I hear some of the guys behind, speaking of something forbidden
But you don't give a shit, you say they're too simplistic, rather even pathetic
Oh my baby, with your deep brown eyes

I understand when you say that you have been dragged somewhere far away
I know he shouldn't have hurt you, definitely not this way
You were simply blinded by the light
But now you seek shelter under the shadows of the moon
Let me be that shelter, let me be that safe cocoon
I'll love you my baby, please be with me soon

Jealousy she says always taunts me
I simply ask her, "whats wrong with that baby?"
She simply stays numb and still waits for my answer
This is exactly the point when I see all blur
Of course I am jealous
The point of me not being so is simply baseless
She waited for more with her eye rather coy less

I'm jealous of all the men she has been with
I am jealous of all the men she is surrounded with
"Why?" she asks me,"for you are my love"
God almighty, this is where I look for some help from above
Fear it seems takes over my answers
Fuck, I guess this is gonna take more than a few hours

Honesty is something I'm afraid of now
It's time for the naked truth to come out and take a bow

I'm jealous of all the men who get to see her everyday
I'm jealous of all the days she gives them without delay
For me it's two, for them it's five
They get to talk to her so much that their words could land up in an archive

But above all my jealousy, I miss her so much
Want to feel her hair or even her soft touch
I miss all the nights I would spend holding her
Then her alarm would go off, prompting her to go home, fucking life's a bitch, a fucking blunder
Obsessive some may call me
But what's love without some obsession

Would she talk to me now
Or would it still be a ciao

umm...shit...how do I even think of this!!!!!

I came across this sentence once, that it simply doesn't matter in life if you're not that strong, all that matters is how strong you feel from the inside. Thoreau once said that rather than your money, your advice, faith and fairness, how about giving me the simple truth... That's Henry Thoreau, but his thoughts usually run in my mind. I've come across so many people these days who feel that they don't deserve love. They simply want to be left alone in their quiet spaces so that they can close the gaps that were brought in by the past. For such people, I only have one simple question, if I were to smile and run into your arms, would you be able to see what I see?

I am one of those people who is terrified of water but simply enchanted by the sea. Stare into the sea and you'll know what I'm talking about. The only gifts that the sea has to offer you is its harsh blows. But that's not all of it. It also gives you the chance of feeling rather strong on occasions when you stand in the water, battling the waves. I may not be a sea specialist or anything, however, I do know that that's the way it is in the real world. Life always gives you an opportunity to feel strong, it allows you to measure your strength at least once. One fine day, you will find yourself in the most ancient of human surroundings where you will be facing the death stone all alone. You will be all alone, helpless, with only your head and hands at your disposal.

I Won't Stop Baby Even If You Let me To

You told me not to love you
Alas, my love surpasses whatever you're going through
Don't get me wrong baby, it's not like I don't know you
But it's the fact that you write this, when you have me to talk to
May be it's all different that you feel for me
But when you looked into my eyes that night,
it only showed you a part of what I feel for you
Thoughts can be misguiding, but you know it's all true

You say you're gonna lose me, but how can that be?
Cuz I've linked my soul to yours too, however tainted you say it to be
My words may not be as good as yours my love
But what I write is for you, honesty, affection and all of the above

Be warned my love, I'm not battling your words with mine
But my words are simply there to clear your mind
You say that you're not worth of my love
I say that you're worth more, worth more than you can find in my eyes
One day you'll find my eyes all empty and glassy
But it's not that everything I feel has disappeared
It will only show you that whatever I had, have given to you by my stare
And my eyes are looking at yours so that you complete me with my emptiness

I end my note because there's no other happier path out there
It's always been you my love, it's my life I want you to share
I may sound grieved, I may sound broken
That's only because there are so many words left unspoken
So clear your mind with all these thoughts
I have nothing but love for you and more of it from where it was brought

So it's Blind, but Always Finds its Way...

She must have turned 19 that winter
That's when she bought home the pills
She thought she would need them, wrote a letter to her family
She wrote it's no one's fault
Everyone but a few were good to her
But something happened, no one could know
After which she felt she didn't belong
The ground was never even hers to be walked upon

Her grandmother always sat by herself who she loved taking care of
Take care of she always did, but in every wink she would stare at a flower
She first envied it for its beauty, then got embarrassed
For its honesty of withering....
She always had a smiling face, but now she's just a fucking wreck

Hers wasn't the first face that I saw
But now I just realize that I was blind
It's time that I let her know
Things like these would seem too impossible
I know that I can be slow
But I need her now 'coz it's the first day of our lives

These words are for you, will always be
Always ask you to wait and see
I'll always wait for my paycheck than win a lottery for you and me
You know this time, it's all different
'Coz this time I love you as much as you love me

Hallucinations of a Knocked Up Mind

"mmmm....feels nice, this really feels nice mister Nickster"
buy some more son, may be some for your beautiful sister?
"oh no sir, she's just checked into rehab
the reason I take this is coz I want to join her so I can keep a tab"
okay son, here's your share
but don't gulp down too much or it will make your insides tear


*pops in three pills, nothing happens
then injects himself while his blood crackens*

"uggh it's happening, I can feel it happening"
what he sees is delirium, "oh it's fun so screw 'em"

*looks at himself in the mirror*

"Fuck, damn eyes are bleeding again
eyes are growing bushes, god it feels good to be me again
huh? what am I doing here leading this company to a war?
what the fuck's going on, who are all these people and why do they keep calling me Commander Fraur?"
Commander, the water people are letting loose those sea serpents, what do we do?
"how the fuck would I know, shoot them or something and say toodle doo"
Commander, are you feeling okay, you look a bit different
"give me 20 soldier, I want them now,
I'm your bloody Commander and that's enough for now"

"ughh, my head hurts what was that all about?
holy shit where am I now, no it can't be
sister, dear sister, how dare these crazy fucks throw mud on you this way
enunciation of truth beckons, I did all this for you sister, what do I do now?
ugghh...my head, holy crap what now?"

*floors tear apart and there are no floors no more
cut fingers bleeding everywhere where once there was a floor*

"cut fingers eh, I guess it's okay"
Harry that hurts, you're stepping on my fingers
"sis is that you, it can't be you
I just saw you cremated, you were pale and all blue
Sis can you hear me, it's me Harry"
oh Harry, do it harder, you know I like it harder
"sis, I thought we wouldn't talk about that again
that was our little secret, just for you and me"

"what's wrong with my head now, it feels kinda light
I think I'll go see my sister by the end of night"
he walks on the road now reaches the asylum
"hahaha, everyone thinks that she's a druggie
but it was me who did this to her, just for me and my sick quickies
damn bull fucking shit, they won't let her meet me
guess it's back to my old friend Mr. Nickster
whoa but what do I tell him now, oh yes, now she's hit the canister...."

Wasted Words

A friend of mine consists of pain
Wakes up from his sleep, hitches a ride to work and comes back again
He once cut my nightmare into two and put it on paper
Twas the most beautiful thing I'd seen and I put it up on my ceiling
I told him twas beautiful, his sense of composition and color rather exquisite
All he said was "Thank you, but you flatter for someone who's not me.
Your eyes aren't good enough, blind at times perhaps
You should know that no beauty comes from me
Waste of time, breath and space I am"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I ignored him and walked away
With random thoughts ramming my head
Then I thought of a woman I thought I knew
Her face was eternal, her love was true
She loved her man who had many virtues
He would bring upon her a countless smiles
But then one day she saw that he had lied
Made up her mind now that the rest of her life would be a lie

She said she was happy for whatever had happened
But then had lost hope for what she would find next
She wept and wept, what else could you expect?
In her big old house one could always hear her say
"Hahahaha, this is life, oh but not my life"
The hours led her to the next
Getting her closer to her death
She said she was fine with it
Because I know that she wouldn't quit

She hardly ever got upset
Living her days, either right or sometimes left
She turned indifferent, never to clean another mess
Never put her make up on to look her best
She said "I am free, I'd rather be wasted alone"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy once had a bit too many drinks and drove
A cop then pulled him over by the road
"Sir, please Sir, you have the wrong man
I'm just a kid who studies buildings and a son of a diplomat
You just have to understand"
The officer said "You're lucky no one's hurt, so thank the Lord
Your carelessness could be really awful
But don't get so happy coz I won't let you go
Your father's name may be known
But what you have done, you're responsible for it all alone
You are not your father's son but simply a stepping stone
On a road that leads to loss, debt and shame"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used to live with this couple
Who simply fit in like a complex puzzle
They were the kind who wanted everything in doubles
I rather envy their love coz they got what they were promised
by all the fairy tales that they were drugged with
Is there any such luck in my charts
Or am I just foolish enough to wait for my number?
Love seems to be a lottery ticket
that you scratch to see what's underneath it
But then you find it reads
"Oops, we're sorry, you have just one cherry
Why don't you buy another and get lucky"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hide behind my books coz I love to read
Try scribbling some poems
Hahaha, like it could ever do any good for some fuck up like me
It is never anything real, but it would seem like a sketch of me
My body is broken, but I still move on
Now who am I you'd love to ask
I am that friend, that woman, that guy, that officer
And of course that couple who always almost had that closure

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Routine of Unwanted Heart

She lives her life every twisted month
She plunges in without the light that follows
But we know she'd follow anything
She dreams of a fever 'coz she believes it will cure her cold heart
She says she'll drive off a cliff if it never ends

She picked me up from the crowd
And spoke to me in her beautiful voice
She said she liked my skin and shoes
I said "Thank you, can I follow you?"
We climbed the stairs to her room
She drank some wine then asked my name
I looked up and asked her the time

We drank and stayed warm
Killed selected memories looking forward the new dawn
It's 3 o clock, the pub was closed
We both sat up, my hands on her
Her jeans pressed hard against mine
My tongue in her mouth only playing so that words don't come out

I don't look to care to see
How many have there been before me
But she wants a lover who she doesn't want to love
She wants someone who's too sad to be loved
Bang! She wakes up after their lovely sleep
"Who the fuck are you to sleep in my bed?"

My mind was dark for I was confused
Who does she have me with confused?
She handed me some money saying thanks for your time
I watched her money flying sensing my crime
She said that I'm a bad actor with the worse habits
She whispered she should have gone home, never done this

I walk back to the alley she picked me from
Then I see another that plunges in
She said "You've got pretty hair, pretty skin, pretty shoes"
I said "Thank you, can I follow you?"

Mind Theory of Psychosis

(you have reached Tim Collins....please leave your message after the beep....*beep*)

Psychosis: Hello there, it's me. Since you're my lawyer, you simply have to know this. I've killed some people, uhh, actually a lot of people. There were these uptown girls from this apartment below mine, then some, uhh, 5 or 10 homeless people...uhh...I forget how much, then there was this pretty blonde i met on a blind date.....uhh, dumped her body behind some donut shop near Central Park...then I killed my old girlfriend....I used a nailgun for the first time...uhh...I felt dominating for the first time....later that night I killed this old faggot who was walking in the park with his grand-children....did those kids look scared to see what I did. I cornered those kids near some alley and took my time scraping their necks one by one....uhhh....then I had to kill this girl with a chainsaw, bitch almost got away...her body is dissolving in my bath tub right now...uhh...I really don't want to leave out on anyone here....I think I killed 20...uhh..wait..uhh...40 people, I really don't remember..So..you must be thinking I'm a pretty sick guy eh....uhh...I'll be at Freddy's bar this evening...uhh....keep your eyes open...

(pretty brunette hitting on Psychosis)
Brunette: Hey there...can I buy you a drink?
Psychosos: I want you to clean your dirty cunt...you're a ugly fucking whore...I'm gonna carve your face with my knife and play around with your guts....(brunette walks away)

(whore curling up in Psychosis' bed reaches out for watch)
Psychosis: Get your hands off my watch! (bites off her finger and throws them in the fish bowl)

Psychosis: I cannot eat, I'm on a diet.
Mother: Are you crazy, look at you...you're so handsome, how thin do you wanna get?
Psychosis: I can always look better if I'm thinner Momma..
Mother: Shall I cancel the reservation for dinner tonight, I don't want you to lose your will power?
Psychosis: Oh that's okay momma, I suck at controlling that anyways....

Psychosis: Uhh...there is only an idea to Psychosis...only an abstract...there is no me...only my entity..uhh...illusions perhaps...uhh...I'm not very good at hiding my cold gaze...and the feeling of my flesh gripping yours...uhh...may be then perhaps...uhh...our lifestyles can be better comparable...but I am never there...

Waiter: Would you like to see some of our specials, Sir.....Sir....Sir!
Psychosis: Uhh...no...uhh...not if you still plan on keeping your spleen....

Psychosis: I've got all the features possible a human being ought to have, a face, hair, blood, flesh, skin...uhh...but why do I lack in emotions? Identified, clear emotion...but greed and disgust seem to be my last companions...uhh..something is going horribly wrong inside of me...uhh...I am allowing my mask of sanity to fade away...

Psychosis: Ed Gein was a very funny man...whenever he looked at a woman, he only thought of two things....one part of him wanted to take her out, treat her nice, take care of her...*wind blows*
Jackie: Never knew he could think so nice!
Psychosis: The other part of him would think what it would be like to see her head on a stick...hahahahahaha

Psychosis: We should stop seeing each other Jackie...
Jackie: But that can't be done...your friends are my friends and my friends are yours...how will that work....you have something...
Psychosis: uhh...I have been thinking about that...uhh...you can have them all...

*ATM machine orders Psychosis to feed him a stray cat to which Psychosis kindly obliges*
Psychosis: Here kitty kitty kitty.....

Test Tube Charlie

(Momma!)

The tears of forgotten cries
I sew my white hair
Toss my wet drops in the air
Only if I had my momma

Her reflection never protected me
Her breast never dropped milk for me
Only a tube stuffed in down my throat
Adding no color to my eyes

(Momma!)

Never felt her nipple in my mouth
Her arms were never around me
She left me without a name
I was born of haste 'coz there was no sperm

My bearer never bore me
And I swear to this darkness
I curse her with my disease
Burn and then plunge her into the ocean

(Momma!)

A snake dwells in her belly
I have a birthmark near my eyes
I scrape it out with my kissing knife
As I walk away, kissing her hands

(Momma!)

A Thousand Cries

I crawl on the lonely streets
Following every cry in the night
Feeling the cold wind with the frozen sun still
I see the world losing its sight
I carry your thoughts deep within me
Coming back to you after a thousand cries
Back to where it all begun
Back to you and me

We'll travel a thousand oceans
A thousand years of darkness kills time
A thousand faces keep passing by
We have to go very far
A thousand times further against the chilly tides
You feel weak today
I fail to feel your heartbeat
We'll let mine guide us through the night

We laugh and then we cry
It's always too late for goodbyes
The streets we walk on are nothing but graves
We were born of our mothers, but will never be known

Auschwitz

The chief of the gas chamber kommando almost tore the hinges off the door to my room as he arrived out of breath, his eyes wide with fear or suprise. "Doctor," he said, "come quickly. We just found a girl alive at the bottom of a pile of corpses." I grabbed my intrument case, which was always ready, and dashed to the gas chamber. Against the wall, near the entrance to the immense room, half covered with other bodies, I saw a girl in the throes of a death rattle, her body seized with convulsions. The gas kommando men around me were in a state of panic. Nothing like this had ever happened in the course of their horrible career.



We moved the still-living body from the corpses pressing against it. I gathered the tiny adolescent body into my arms and carried it back to the room adjoining the gas chamber ... I laid the body on a bench. A frail young girl, almost a child, she could have been no more than fifteen. I took out my syringe and, taking her arm - she had not yet recovered consciousness and was breathing with difficulty - I administered three intravenous injections. My companions covered her body which was as cold as ice with a heavy overcoat. One ran to the kitchen to fetch some tea and warm broth. Everybody wanted to help as if she were his own child.

The reaction was swift. The child was seized by a fit of coughing which brought up a thick globule of phlegm from her lungs. She opened her eyes and looked fixedly at the ceiling. I kept a close watch for every sign of life. Her breathing became deeper and more and more regular. Her lungs, tortured by the gas, inhaled the fresh air avidly. Her pulse became perceptible, the result of the injections. I waited impatiently. I saw that within a few minutes she was going to regain consciousness: her circulation began to bring color back into her cheeks, and her delicate face became human again ...

I made a sign for my companions to withdraw. I was going to attempt something I knew without saying was doomed to failure ... From our numerous contacts, I had been able to ascertain that Mussfeld had a high esteem for the medical expert's professional qualities ... And this was the man I had to deal with, the man I had to talk into allowing a single life to be spared.

I calmly related the terrible case we found ourselves confronted with. I described for his benifit what pains the child must have suffered in the undressing room, and the horrible scenes that preceded death in the gas chamber. When the room had been plunged into darkness, she had breathed in a few lungfuls of cyclon gas. Only a few, though, for her fragile body had given way under the pushing and shoving of the mass as they fought against death. By chance she had fallen with her face against the wet concrete floor. That bit of humidity had kept her from being asphyxiated, for cyclon gas does not react under humid conditions.

These were my arguments, and I asked him to do something for the child. He listened to me attentively then asked me exactly what I proposed doing. I saw by his expression that I had put him face to face with a practically impossible problem.

"There's no way of getting round it," he said, "the child will have to die."

Half an hour later the young girl was led, or rather carried, into the furnace room hallway, and there Mussfeld sent another in his place to do the job. A bullet in the back of the neck ..."

Breakin' Apart

I lay half curled in my own fantasy world
Half asleep, half naked on my blood stained sheets
I lose my mind forever in strife
I even fail to breathe to save my own life
But still my heart ticks like the clock
Reminding me of my episodic shocks

For lack of understanding, I may be guilty
Dying slowly, losing all my faith in my fragile reality
I sense her arms choking my neck
But I can't find none, 'coz for her I have no reflex
Then I realize that it was never her fault
For this is my very own burial vault

You may be too young for this
But I'm just fucking naive to be left alone
I swallow in oxygen just so that I can vomit excuses and lies so that you'd stay
I remember your reassurance lines "You will be okay"
You said you'd protect me from my darkness
I bleed my tears, those are the words I use

Death inquires about my tragedy
It bids hunger for every drop of tear I lose
But for Death his own, for I don't care
It's you I want, it's your ethereal voice

The Joke's on You (courtesy The Killing Joke)

When the world seems full of care
and every tagline screams despair
When everything is rape, starvation, war and life's vile
Then there's a certain thing I love to do
which I shall pass along to you
Guaranteed to make me smile

I go loony like a light bulb battered bug
Simply loony and even foam and chew the rug
Excuse me Sir, life is swell in a padded cell
It'll chase those blues away
You can barter your gloom for a rubber room
injections and happy pills twice a day

Just go loony like a toxic casualty
Or a moony or a preacher on stupid TV
When the human race puts on an anxious face
when the bomb hangs over your head
when your kid turns blue it shouldn't worry you
You can smile and nod instead

When you're loony you just don't give a dig
Man's so funny and the universe so big
If you're hurt inside, get certified
and if your life should treat you bad,
don't get even, get MAD.....

The Fly Who Couldn't Fly

Flies. Admirable insects. Yucky for some but fascinating for few. It's just strange how they lead their lives. Flying around faeces, hanging upside down from the walls. Admirable indeed.

This is a story of a fly named Ae-ro. He used to be the happiest fly in the fly kingdom, not to mention in the world of humans too. Sitting by the table where the humans drop their food and he would land happily on it, vomiting on the food so that he could suck in all the nutrients out of it. That's how Ae-ro always spent his time. The humans hated him only because he was a pest. He never even bothered them though. Ae-ro always wanted to convince the humans that he was not like the others. He was different.

It was the coffee shop that he first came across Sarah. Sarah was the most beautiful creature that he had ever laid eyes on. She had the prettiest eyes, her movements were like the ones of a ballet dancer and her voice was something simply out of this world. Sarah went to the same coffee shop he went to and she sat on the same table that he sat on but they never ever spoke to each other.

Ae-ro fell in love with her the very moment he saw her and every day he would find himself more in love with her. Even at nights when his friends were sleeping, sticking against the walls, he would simply fly around the darkness, thinking how would he profess his love to her. He had finally decided, tomorrow will be the day I would talk to the love of my life for the first time.

Every second of that night seemed like an eternity to him. But he tried to wait patiently for the sun to rise when he would get to meet his beloved Sarah. As soon as the sun cleared the darkness, he flew as fast as could but fast simply wasn't good enough. That's when an idea struck him. He was a fly. He could easily sneak into a car and take a ride till the coffee shop. He looked around for some kind of transportation and boom, he found one. He saw a human girl wearing a hood and big sunglasses sitting in her car just about to leave. He quickly got into the car and off he went.

Ae-ro's heart was pounding so hard that he couldn't help flying in excitement. He observed the human behind the wheel but he couldn't see her face. She was humming a tune to a song being played on a radio and eating some Cheetos. Ae-ro was pretty hungry too so he flew across the seat to get some of those cheetos but unfortunately he landed on the human's hand. She was quite taken aback by the little insect crawling on her hand and she accidentally swerved the car in her fright. Ae-ro was scared by this act too and he flew right off the window. He didn't bother looking back at the car but he was sure that he heard a loud blast after a while.

He waited for Sarah at the coffee shop for quite some time. Then quite some time turned into hours, then days, then weeks. Ae-ro finally died waiting for her without any food or drink. Sarah never came back.



She will never know who Ae-ro was. She was a human who always came to the coffee shop to have a cup of coffee after a pack of Cheetos.

What is Happening to Me???

Yes, that's one question that needs answering ASAP. I don't know what I want, what I want to do, what I don't want to do, it's pissing me off.....Why can't everything just be damn easy for a change. It's all complicated, work, education, friends, relationships, family, ARGHH!!! I want to be left alone, want to be with someone I like, that's it. I ask nothing more. But off lately, I'm always looking for something more. Quite contradictory I know but I just cannot help it. I just expect so much in life and the tragedy is that I know that I can't have it all.

Guess I just have to get on to my old ways, let the spit fall where it's supposed to. Let things happen the way they're meant to. Just go along the flow and all that crap. I hate it when I can't do anything to stop things from happening, but what the hell eh? Being indifferent is the key here and that is something that I have to turn myself into. But thinking about it itself scares me, cause I just cannot stop caring for people. Hell, I know they wouldn't give a fuck but that's not like me. Fuck man, I get concerned for everyone. Is this the damn shit I get to be honest with people(at times), be nice to them, care for them? I admit it, I just cannot lie when someone asks for my honest opinion about anything. Is this what I get to be outspoken?



If that's all there is, I say fuck each and every of you mother fuckers!!! This is what you will all get for all the shit that you have put me through. Yes, I'm one of those guys who like spreading misery around just so that I know I'm not the only one suffering.

Split Screen Sadness

That just about does it. I don't care about anything any more. I have to turn indifferent towards my own feelings because I just can't handle it anymore. The feeling of confusion, the feeling of nothingness, that was never meant to be me....

Sometimes I think it's good that I'm going away for a few days and I just hope that something happens to me and I never come back. I'm just so tired with everything. Nobody knows what I want and strangely I know exactly what everybody wants. Some want to get married, some want to have fun, some want to take care of their family....where do I come in all of this??? Exactly, nowhere!!!

It is not all about me like some people like to think. I just don't see my life going anywhere. Why can't some people just say what they are feeling? I'm not saying that I ain't guilty of the same thing, but I do try to get it across. So yeah, nothing makes sense anymore.

With shadows I spend it all
My heart and i
Have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles
And prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressing you

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart here
Darling I hope
That my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you
How much I wanted you


Well, that kinda was meant for someone. If someone reads it, well and good, and if not, even better. This stings only because it is nobody's fault. It feels really strange in the head when you think about things that were never meant to be. But now this feels like an old man's pastime for me. It actually makes a lot of sense when you know that there is no substitute at all for time as well as for sadness. Think about it, there is nothing else that you can indulge yourself in.

But we all know we cannot possibly do something as drastic as this now. But hey, what if it happens when you least expect it??? Will you cry, will you get scared....hahahahaha...

Yes, no one can do that because we have to live for others right!!! So what if people don't understand you, there are others who care for you. So I say we live for them and we only die for them. Why die of our own selfish reasons? What have others done to go through the hell of not being with you around? Nothing right!!! So I say don't. This is for all you suicidal mongers out there so that you just snap out of it. It is just not worth it.

A Reflecting Conscience

There is a sanctity in the roadless woods,
There are winds on the lonely shore,
There is a society that no one bothers,
I dont love you people less, but I love sanctity more.

I see them on a promenade walking through their high school gates. See him walking out of his college and then I see her too. They are just kids, they are dumb and they want to get married. They think they are innocent, wouldn't even harm a fly. I want to go up to them and scream out "STOP". "Please don't do it. She is not the one for you and he too is wrong for you. You people are going to do unimaginable things to your children."

Rather than giving me your love, your money, your act of fairness.....give me the truth. Why do people have to be so god damn mean to each other, hate each other and shit??? But then i recollect hearing from someone, in life it is not important how strong you are, it's how strong you feel that is more important.

Some people feel that they don't deserve love and that love "died out" of their lives. So they quietly walk into empty spaces trying to close in on the gaps that were left by the past. Hmm....i say the core of one's spirit comes from new experiences. Conscious attention to the basic things that we need in life and a wayward attention to your concerns. A job, a task, a book, a relationship. Why think about circumstances and repercussions? They have no value at all.

Degeneration of Humanity

This should serve as a warning to all nimb-brains who are reading this. Every word that you read of this stupid ass print, you are simply wasting another second of your life. Don't you people have anything else to do with your life? Are your pathetic lives so damn empty that you people just can't seem to find any other better way to spend these moments? Or are you people just impressed with authority, that you give respect to all that claim it? Do you people really think what you are supposed to think? Buy those inanimate things that you're told to want?

Get out of your leaking apartments. Meet someone of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive masturbation and shopping for sex toys. Quit your job and start off a fight with your boss. Prove yourself that you are alive and not a slave to the society. Think about it:- if you don't claim your humanity, you will simply remain as a statistic.

Remember, God does not care for you. What would you rather be, God's worst enemy or nothing? We're the middle children of humanity people and we surely don't have any special purpose in this condemned lives of ours. Unless we get God's greater attention, we have no hope for damnation nor redemption. I say burn the fucking museums, wipe your asses with the Mona Lisa, this way atleast fucking God will know your name.

Hahahahaha....we are nothing but a generation of men raised by women, so is another woman in our lives really an answer that we need??? What the fuck does the society even think of us, that we are fucking lame nuts dwindling down a gorilla's belly??? Even on the bloody aeroplanes, they have the entire worst case scenario carefully jotted down in pamphlets. The oxygen masks ready to save your lives in case of a mid air collision or if you're lucky enough to get hit by lightening 30000 feet in the air, the illusion of safety it seems.

So what do you think, the oxygen is there to save your lives. Fucking Crap I say!!! Oxygen gets you high. During any emergency, you simply take giant panicked, grief stricken breaths and then you become euphoric. You then accept your fate that you are going to die. So euphoric you tend to get that your faces all become blank....just like calm Hindu cows.

What is all this about in the first place you ask??? We are nothing but fucking consumers. By products of a lifestyle obsession. Poverty, crime, rape, murder, holocausts, these shit don't concern me. What concerns me is is those gossip magazines, a damn TV with 200 freaking channels, a lame ass guy's name on my underwear Olestra, Viagra, FUCK!!!

People talk about Hitler and Mussolini and shit, Fuck Hitler!!! Bloody Hitler is polishing his shit off of the Titanic, it's all going to hell dammitt... I propose to you fuckers that lets evolve and let the spit fall where it has to. But hey, that's just me right. May be I'm wrong and its all a bloody tragedy.

The things you own fucking end up owning you. Man, I have seen the smartest and the toughest men living out there. All the potential in the world in this one room. An entire generation of cleaning tables, taking out the garbage, pumping gas, all slaves with white collars eh!!! FUCK, we have all been raised by bloody TVs made to believe that we'll be rock stars and movie gods and what not. But thats not gonna happen. Many of us are slowly being aware of this fact and I am very, very pissed off.

We are on the brink of evolution people, lets get out of our cages and fucking just break free of this society. It is now or it's after your death....

Why Live When you Can End it???

Why does everyone behave or even pretend that everything is A-OK with their lives when it's just not??? I know why, that's because they're just weak. If something's not okay, it is about time they show it that it is NOT OKAY!!! Yesterday, when I was along with my friends in their car, all they could talk about is war, religion, the armies of the world, etc etc. But for some reason, I wasn't even a least bit interested in joining in their conversations. I just looked out the window and saw people all around, minding their own business or just simply riding their bikes trying to complete the "oh so tough" traffic maze.

What attracted my attention was an old couple on a bike with the husband riding an Activa and the wife, holding on to him. Sounds boring doesn't it??? But then I started thinking about the stories that they might have had to tell but no one to listen to them. The adventures the man might have had when he tried to steal that perfect mango from the garden for his lover who was now not his wife, but unfortunately he was chased away by the guard dogs. But no, this didn't stop him, he came back the next day and then the next and then the next until he got what he wanted just to show his love to the woman of his dreams.

Then there was the wife, deep into thoughts when her husband was riding the bike. What was she thinking about at that precise moment??? Was there ever another man in her life who she wished she'd rather be with??? Or was she one of those women who'd rather die than look at any other man EVER in her life??? And even if she had another man, why wasn't she with him, was it because of her family or was it because she was a cold hearted bitch who just wanted to have that one last affair before being labeled as the perfect housewife, a perfect mother, a perfect idol?

But hey, who am I to tag someone as the perfect husband or the perfect slut? Life is what it is, some like to think it to be the best ever and then there are others like me who don't want to do anything with it. Okay that's enough of enlightenment for today so fuck the hell off will you!!!

Just wanna be Fuckin Alone

I'm just tired of everything as of now. I don't want any friends, I don't want any family. All I want is to be alone. The one person who i thought understood me has problems of her own. I don't wanna burden her with my shit. He is turning worse by day. Today he threw the plate of food away on the floor in a fit of anger. She cried as usual and I, I kept myself locked in my room. All I told him was I wouldn't be home tomorrow night and he had to take out the anger on her.

As for the girl I like, I'm just afraid of getting too close to her. That's because I know that I can open up only to her but then I'd look for my strength in her, my support in her. But then she'd just walk away cause she never felt the same for me. I'll be really broken then. What do I say to her when she does walk away??? "How dare you do this, be my strength, support and take it all back by simply walking away from me....."

No, I'll go mad if I do anything of that sort. So yeah, I just need to be alone. Even if I try to look at anyone for my strength, I'd just force myself to look away. I can't take this shit anymore. She wants him to get out of the house but he just won't go. I want him out too, cause most of her problems are all because of him. If only he could change. I'm not asking him to be perfect. But that doesn't mean that he has to be the worst.

So yeah, writing is perhaps the only way I feel that I'm talking to someone. I think I should get used to all of this. Who needs people anyways?????

Wednesday Blindness???

So damn, acidic mindfuck indeed!!! I just cannot get these lines out of my head....its like this annoying song that's just super glued in there. Well thank mother of Lucifer its not that Scooby Dooby Doo song again. This time, its kinda cute....

"Now We're Both Bout Tipsy
You Say You In The Mood
All I Need Is Bout A Hour
Better Yet Maybe Two
Let Me Take You Where I Live
Make it Clear
When I Whisper In Ya Ear
Ya Legs Hit The Chandleer
Passion Fruit And Sex..All In The Atmosphere!"


Oh yeah, nice ha! I think I should be in this mood more often. Its fun. Hyper, but still fun. So yeah, mood's pretty dandy (what thaa!!) By the way, yesterday was not all that teary that I expected it to be, so we can cross out Tears for Tuesday right off the list. Cause hey, who knows, anything might happen if you want it to, right? Life is never all that great Ive learnt but if you stop looking at it that way, everything will seem clear which is why I always keep looking. Because a messed up life seems a lot better than a Brady Bunch kinda life.

Tears For Tuesday

So this is how it feels when you know you're gonna lose something which you always wanted. Damn, its like everything is being unfair to you and life is just pissing all over you. And hey, to top it all of, I'm trying to push someone away from me which could might as well make me cry anytime now. Hmm...its like the feeling that you get just before you're about to cry with that lump just above your stomach. Oh yeah, it feels like hell alrite with no one to talk to about all of this, this is where i say that life officially sucks.

Thats it, may be I was meant to be alone anyways. May be that is for the best. Atleast that way I wont be able to hurt anyone which I have been doing a lot lately. According to everyone, everything is going just A-OK with my life. Hell, some people even envy the kinda life I have. And here I am, ready to do anything to swap places with anyone, anytime because this life just isn't worth it. So here I stand, knowing of what I am throwing away but just can't help but think why does this happen to me.

I look around me and see people look oh so happy with their lives. Sure, I do understand they have their own shit to deal with but the difference between them and me, when I fake about being happy, I just turn all cynical. That's what i call being half broken hearted because I know I can make this right, but everything I do is just not enough.

Everything was in secret and it is in secret silence that I grieve. So yeah, I may be a loser for not doing anything about it, but I am pieces of you.

Thank you,,,its been a bloody Monday.....

Oh yea...its been a bloody Monday alrite....bloodshed all over....guts flying all over the damn place...some ass kissing...some ass whooping and Voila!!!its all bloody over...Shazaam..just like that!!! Hmm...how bitter can I get sometimes. So got some real good news today which I cant tell you...cause then I'll just have to kill you. Alrite then,,,enough of the usual "boom shakaa lakaa" and lets get on what I plan to do now. Now that everything has started going my way, all I have to do is (sorry for using this quote but the cat thing was a bit too sexy I guess)...wait...that's right, wait wait and wait like a stalking wild cat and then pounce on my prey when they least expect it.Okay now that was just daft coming out of my mouth piece.